The “Perfect Storm” of Modern Love and a Proposed Solution: The “Erotic Hinge” James Tobin, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist: PSY 22074 Newport Beach, CA 92660.

Presentation on theme: "The “Perfect Storm” of Modern Love and a Proposed Solution: The “Erotic Hinge” James Tobin, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist: PSY 22074 Newport Beach, CA 92660."— Presentation transcript:

1 The “Perfect Storm” of Modern Love and a Proposed Solution: The “Erotic Hinge”
James Tobin, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist: PSY Newport Beach, CA |

2 The Most Common Presenting Concern to My Practice

3 “Susan”

4 “Susan”

5 “Susan”

6 “Jeffrey”

7 “Jeffrey”

8 “Jeffrey”

9 “Linda and Frank”

10 “Linda and Frank”

11 “Linda and Frank”

12 Divorce Rates Remain High
Most people already know that around 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. The number is similarly high in many other developed nations. When you break that down by number of marriages: 41 percent of first marriages end in divorce. 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce. People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). The average age for couples going through their first divorce is 30 years old. The U.S. Census Bureau found that divorce rates for most age groups have been dropping since 1996. (from McKinley Irvin Family Law)

13 Divorce Rates Remain High
Age Women Men Under 20 y/o 27.6 11.7 20 to 24 y/o 36.6 38.8 25 to 29 y/o 16.4 22.3 30 to 34 y/o 8.5 11.6 35 to 39 y/o 5.1 6.5

14 Divorce Rates Remain High
Are men and women just not that compatible? Is “marriage” fading in the context of evolving social, political, economic, and cultural factors?

15 One evening in Irvine …

16 “Enduring Love: Two Couples Reflect on 70-Plus Years of Valentine's Days” (Judy Wakefield, Andover Townsman Online, 2015)  

17 Here’s what they had to say.
“Enduring Love: Two Couples Reflect on 70-Plus Years of Valentine's Days” (Judy Wakefield, Andover Townsman Online, 2015) Here’s what they had to say. LOVE your spouse with all you’ve got and truly care for them. SACRIFICE for each other and don’t complain about it. It’s part of marriage — period. RESPECT your spouse, so don’t be rude. SHARE INTERESTS, like dancing. MARRIAGE IS A PRIVILEGE. Don’t ever forget that.

18 Couple Relationships in the 21st Century Survey Findings Report
Enduring Love? Couple Relationships in the 21st Century Survey Findings Report November 2013 Jacqui Gabb, Martina Klett-Davies, Janet Fink and Manuela Thomae

19 The Enduring Love? Study
Thanks me for cooking and eats it even if it is awful! (recognitions of effort) Tells the children they have a great mother! (expressions of appreciation) Says nice things to me, says nice things about me to others. (expressions of appreciation) He still thinks I'm attractive, and tells me so, after 32 years of marriage. (feeling valued/desired)

20 The Enduring Love? Study
Lots of small gestures, such as leaving me the last chocolate. (thoughtful gestures) He writes me love notes and folds the laundry (which I hate to do); She leaves little cards for me to find that say nice things on them. (cards/gestures) If he is the first in the bathroom before we go to bed he puts the toothpaste on my toothbrush for me. (gestures of shared meaning)

21 The Enduring Love? Study
He vacuum cleans the house, he knows I hate it. Helps around the house and with the kids. (sharing childcare and chores) We have a new baby. He will take him in the morning to let me sleep. (sharing childcare and chores)

22 What Is Actually Happening in Modern Love?

23 Modern Love: 10 Trends of a “Perfect Storm”

24 #1: Divorce Rates Dropping … Perhaps Because Fewer People Are Getting Married
“Not Married? The Odds That You Never Will Be Are Higher Than Ever” (Tanvi Misra, 2014) More American adults are in the "never-married" category than ever before, according to a new report released by the Pew Research Center. Using 2012 Census data and a new survey, the report finds that 20 percent of U.S. adults over 25 have never been married. In 1960, only half that number—one in ten adults—fit that bill.

25 #1: Divorce Rates Dropping … Perhaps Because Fewer People Are Getting Married
Both men and women are getting married at a later age, and alternatives to marriage—such as living together and raising children out of wedlock—are more accepted, says Pew researcher Wendy Wang, one of the authors of the report. 

26 #1: Divorce Rates Dropping … Perhaps Because Fewer People Are Getting Married
In her new book “Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become,” Barbara Fredrickson challenges the utility and value of the long-held view of unconditional love.

27 #1: Divorce Rates Dropping … Perhaps Because Fewer People Are Getting Married

28 #2: Are We Becoming “Adults” Later in Life?
Brain development continues into the mid-30s

29 #2: Are We Becoming “Adults” Later in Life?
Research indicates that on a variety of psychological, emotional and cognitive variables, young adults today appear to be less mature than young adults of the same age in previous generations.

30 #2: Are We Becoming “Adults” Later in Life?
The developmental timeline of human life appears to be changing .... with a blurred and delayed transition from childhood into adulthood Before: childhood (0 to 11/12); adolescence (13 to 19) Now: childhood (0 to 11/12), biological adolescence (13 to 20); psychological adolescence (21 to 26)

31 #2: Are We Becoming “Adults” Later in Life?
Before: young adulthood (20 to 25) Now: emerging adulthood (27 to 33); young adulthood (34 to 39/40)

32 #2: Are We Becoming “Adults” Later in Life?
Before: adulthood (26 to 64) Now: adulthood (41 to 72/73)

33 #2: Are We Becoming “Adults” Later in Life?
In certain cultures, rituals demarcate the child’s entrance into adulthood -- the transition is definitive and final!

34 #2: Are We Becoming “Adults” Later in Life?

35 #3: The “Dating Apocalypse”
“Tinder and the Dawn of the ‘Dating Apocalypse’” (Nancy Jo Sales, Vanity Fair, 2015)

36 #3: The “Dating Apocalypse”
SEX HAS BECOME SO EASY ‘I call it the Dating Apocalypse,’ says a woman in New York, aged 29 … another unprecedented phenomenon is taking place, in the realm of sex. Hookup culture, which has been percolating for about a hundred years, has collided with dating apps, which have acted like a wayward meteor on the now dinosaur-like rituals of courtship.

37 #3: The “Dating Apocalypse”
“We are in uncharted territory” when it comes to Tinder et al., says Justin Garcia, a research scientist at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. “There have been two major transitions” in heterosexual mating “in the last four million years,” he says. “The first was around 10,000 to 15,000 years ago, in the agricultural revolution, when we became less migratory and more settled,” leading to the establishment of marriage as a cultural contract. “And the second major transition is with the rise of the Internet.”

38 #3: The “Dating Apocalypse”
“The Dating Apocalypse Is Over: 6 Reasons Why Tinder Has Failed” (Marija Mandic) Because of Tinder, romance really was being “swiped” away. I say “was” because Tinder is over. We’re all catching on to the fact that the swipe-culture normalized by Tinder has made us more shallow, desensitized, dehumanized, exploited and a hell of a lot lazier …. I’d rather meet someone who wants to share the same experiences as me than meet someone who swiped right because I look like a “cutie.”

39 #4: Internet-Based Pornography
“Porn Sites Get More Visitors Each Month Than Netflix, Amazon And Twitter Combined” (Huffington Post) The Internet is for porn. We all know that, but until now we may not have realized to what extent porn dominated the Internet. According to the … new porn website Paint Bottle, porn takes up a huge percentage of Internet bandwidth. In fact, 30 percent of all data transferred across the Internet is porn. YouPorn, one of the larger video porn sites, streams six times the bandwidth as Hulu. 40 million Americans are regular visitors to porn sites (“Guy Stuff,” Kurt Smith)

40 #5: Affairs and the Sugar-Daddy Sub-culture
Percent of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41 % Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57 % Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 54 % (from StatisticsBrain.com, drawing from the Associated Press and the “Journal of Marital and Family Therapy”)

41 #5: Affairs and the Sugar-Daddy Sub-culture
SugarDaddyMeet.com SugarDaddyForMe.com SeekingArrangement.com SugarDaddie.com EstablishedMen.com AgeMatch.com WhatsYourPrice.com MissTravel.com SugarSugar.com SugarDaddyToday.com

42 #5: Affairs and the Sugar-Daddy Culture
“It’s a very expensive job,” says Jack, a 70-year-old sugar daddy, who describes himself as a “humanitarian” interested in helping young women in financial need. Jack isn’t the name that appears on his American Express black card, but an identity he uses when shopping online for companionship and sex. Jack says he meets up twice a week with a young woman from Seeking Arrangement. He typically forks over about $500 a night — and that’s not including lavish dinners at Daniel or shopping excursions on Madison Avenue. “Unlike a traditional escort service, I was surprised to find such an educated, smart population,” says Jack, during cocktail hour recently at the Ritz-Carlton in Manhattan. He said he lives next door in a penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park South and pays $22,000 a month in rent. (from Huffington Post)

43 #6: The Madonna/Whore Complex

44 #6: The Madonna/Whore Complex
For Freud, a dichotomy forms in the mind of some men regarding how they see the identity of “woman”: “Madonna” : woman he admires and respects “The Whore” : woman he is attracted to and therefore disrespects (here, attraction is linked to “disrespect” -- many theorists suggest men’s debasement of a woman is really a defensive response to internal anger/frustration in not attaining the object they seek)

45 #6: The Madonna/Whore Complex
Desire/sexuality and purity/maternal are mutually exclusive and cannot be experienced in the same singular woman. The cause for this split is described by different theorists in different ways. The desire for sexual experience is therefore sublimated into experiences with other women who are not a man’s actual partner.

46 #6: The Madonna/Whore Complex
This complex fuels internet pornography, affairs, sugar-daddy arrangements, and sexual addiction

47 #6: The Madonna/Whore Complex
The Madonna/Whore complex has a corollary for female development: girls and women are bombarded with mixed and sometimes shaming messages re: being “pure/good” and “sexual/bad.”

48 #7: Beyond the Glass Ceiling: Is It Really “The End of Men?”
The concept of the glass ceiling was originally introduced in 1979.

49 #7: Beyond the Glass Ceiling: Is It Really “The End of Men”?

50 #7: Beyond the Glass Ceiling: Is It Really “The End of Men”?
Earlier this year, for the first time in American history, the balance of the workforce tipped toward women, who now hold a majority of the nation’s jobs. The working class, which has long defined our notions of masculinity, is slowly turning into a matriarchy, with men increasingly absent from the home and women making all the decisions. Women dominate today’s colleges and professional schools—for every two men who will receive a B.A. this year, three women will do the same. Of the 15 job categories projected to grow the most in the next decade in the U.S., all but two are occupied primarily by women. Indeed, the U.S. economy is in some ways becoming a kind of traveling sisterhood: upper-class women leave home and enter the workforce, creating domestic jobs for other women to fill. (Hanna Rosen, The Atlantic, 2010)

51 #7: Beyond the Glass Ceiling: Is It Really “The End of Men”?
ONE: It’s the end of men because men are failing in the workplace. TWO: It’s the end of men because the traditional household, propped up by the male breadwinner, is vanishing. THREE: It’s the end of men because we can see it in the working and middle class. (The working class feels the end of men the most, as men lose their jobs and lose their will to be fathers, and women do everything alone, creating a virtual matriarchy in the parts of the country that used to be bastions of good old macho country music style values. Why don’t these women marry or live with the fathers of their children? As many a woman told me, “He’d be just another mouth to feed.”) (Hanna Rosen, The Atlantic, 2010)

52 #7: Beyond the Glass Ceiling: Is It Really “The End of Men”?
FOUR: It’s the end of men because men have lost their monopoly on violence and aggression. FIVE: It’s the end of men because men, too, are now obsessed with their body hair. (Hanna Rosen, The Atlantic, 2010)

53 #7: Beyond the Glass Ceiling: Is It Really “The End of Men”?

54 #8: Male Gender Role Rigidity
‘Men are stuck' in gender roles, data suggest (Emily Alpert Reyes, Los Angeles Times, 2013) Even as society encourages women into typically male roles, research shows it holds rigid gender stereotypes for men — probably to everyone's detriment.

55 #8: Male Gender Role Rigidity
The gender revolution has been lopsided. Even as American society has seen sweeping transformations — expanding roles for women, surging tolerance for homosexuality — popular ideas about masculinity seem to have stagnated. While women have broken into fields once dominated by men, such as business, medicine and law, men have been slower to pursue nursing, teach preschool, or take jobs as administrative assistants. Census data and surveys show that men remain rare in stereotypically feminine positions. (Emily Alpert Reyes, Los Angeles Times, 2013)

56 #8: Male Gender Role Rigidity
When it comes to gender progress, said Ronald F. Levant, editor of the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity, "men are stuck.“ The imbalance appears at work and at home: Working mothers have become ordinary, but stay-at-home fathers exist in only 1% of married couples with kids under age 15, according to U.S. Census Bureau data. (Emily Alpert Reyes, Los Angeles Times, 2013)

57 #8: Male Gender Role Rigidity
Other research points to an enduring stigma for boys whose behavior is seen as feminine. "If girls call themselves tomboys, it's with a sense of pride," said University of Illinois at Chicago sociology professor Barbara Risman. "But boys make fun of other boys if they step just a little outside the rigid masculine stereotype.” (Emily Alpert Reyes, Los Angeles Times, 2013)

58 #9: Is Attraction “Evolving”?

59 #9: Is Attraction “Evolving”?
In a series of studies beginning in 2011, researchers created composite faces for five different ethnicities, some of which were made more masculine or feminine based on the average facial features of each group. (Anthony C. Little, Benedict C. Jones, & Lisa M. DeBruine)

60

61 #9: Is Attraction “Evolving”?
When asked to rate the attractiveness of the faces, more masculine men and more feminine women were not clearly preferred. In fact, in some areas, the subjects actually favored more feminine-looking men or masculine-looking women. In areas where people are generally in good health and with higher medical standards, women like effeminate men more. In areas with relatively low-level medical facilities, women favor masculine men more.

62 #9: Is Attraction “Evolving”?
Many men are confused about what women actually want in a male partner

63 #10: Narcissism, Co-dependence, and the “Human Magnet Syndrome”

64 #10: Narcissism, Co-dependence, and the “Human Magnet Syndrome”
“Narcissism: The Science Behind the Rise of a Modern ‘Epidemic’” (Olivia Remes, 2016) Others have labelled narcissism a “modern epidemic”, pointing to the rapid change in society that occurred in industrial and post-industrial times as the cause. The past few decades have witnessed a societal shift from a commitment to the collective to a focus on the individual or the self. The self-esteem movement was an important turning point in this. It determined that self-esteem was the key to success in life. Educators and parents started telling their children how special and unique they are to make them feel more confident. Parents tried to “confer” self-esteem upon their children, rather than letting them achieve it through hard work.

65 #10: Narcissism, Codependence, and the “Human Magnet Syndrome”
Mother exists for the child If all goes well, primary narcissism occurs and serves as the foundation of the child’s identity: the child is the center of the universe (“grandiosity”). If primary narcissism is not achieved (“insecure attachment”), the child will likely have significant issues across the lifespan and will likely esort to narcissistic and/or codependent characterological strategies.

66 #10: Narcissism, Codependence, and the “Human Magnet Syndrome”

67 #10: Narcissism, Codependence, and the “Human Magnet Syndrome”

68 In this “Perfect Storm,” Can Love Be Found (and Maintained)?

69 Yes!

70 Solutions to Modern Love Dilemmas Can Actually Be Drawn from Freud

71 The “Erotic Hinge”: A Framework for Clinical Intervention

72 Main Assumptions The adjoining structures (man and woman) must be “mature” and “healthy,” each serving as a complementary structure for the other so that the whole arm (a union or system) can move with ease and strength. The joint that hinges the structures into place is of a certain material/quality (mature/“erotic”) and not some other (“child-like”). If there is a dislocation for whatever reason, one or both structures become “unhinged” and the union or system does not work properly.

73 Despite All the Ways in Which Society and Culture Have Changed and Will Continue to Change, There Is No “Immaculate Conception”

74 Freud’s Notion of the “Phallic Position”

75 The Oedipal Crisis

76 The Primal Scene

77 The Son’s Identification with and Introjection of Father

78 The Non-Phallic Man Lack of or over-investment in goals,
drive, ambition, achievement Lack of an internal sense of strength and confidence “Chip” on his shoulder re: women; women are to be “conquered”/humiliated/objectified Highly reactive to women’s judgments, perceived abandonments, etc. (the “male ego”) Defer stereotypically male gender qualities to one’s partner (the woman “drives the ship”) or seeks to disempower her Anxiety re: competition (the other man/the other penis) Narcissistic and/or codependent qualities exhibited in relationships

79 The Non-Phallic Man

80 The Non-Phallic Man In his selection of a romantic partner, the non-phallic man finds and/or creates a surrogate mother (i.e., he has not mourned the Oedipal loss of his biological mother).

81 The Non-Phallic Man (Type I)
He may: (1) “maternalize” his partner to ensure she becomes his surrogate mother (to replace the loss of his biological mother in childhood);

82 The Non-Phallic Man (Type II)
He may: (2) gradually split his partner re: the Madonna/Whore Complex;

83 The Non-Phallic Man (Type III)
(3) ultimately reject/abandon his partner (to avenge his Oedipal loss)

84 The Taboo Nature of the Enactment
In each of these three configurations, the adult romantic relationship moves from healthy adult eroticism to a mother/son replay – thus, sexual intimacy becomes psychologically taboo!

85 The Phallic Man Approaches romantic relationships without the need to replay and resolve Oedipal issues: he is not looking for a surrogate mother and internally feels “masculine”/potent! This allows him to experience his partner non-narcissistically (subject-to-subject, NOT subject-to-object)

86 The Phallic Man As a “subject,” the phallic man sees his partner not as a reflection of himself, but as an agent of her own separate being (this ensures ongoing erotic tension).

87 The Phallic Man She has wants and desires of her own that are not necessarily tied to him, AND she has expectations of him – her love for him is “conditional.” These are the essential ingredients of erotic love that allow the man to stay “hinged” in the relationship with a woman – this hinging is not a trap/confining, but instead a comfortable locking-into-place that prevents derailment, distraction, etc. and supports the man’s feeling of being a man (not a child).

88 The Phallic Man and Courtship
He is happy when his partner is happy; her happiness is his; his narcissistic needs are far less important to him than her needs (the relationship will never become taboo)

89 The Phallic Man and Courtship
He is in a state of perpetual courtship – he is always on edge that another man may draw his partner away (the realization that adult love is “conditional”) or that she may ultimately reject his poor treatment of her. If he is able to maintain her happiness, he feels “masculine” and this will allow him to continue to mourn and ultimately resolve the Oedipal loss of his maternal figure.

90 “Erotic Hinge”: The Man Must Be Phallic and the Woman ….

91 Freud’s View of Female Psychic Development

92 The Electra Complex

93 The Daughter’s Emerging Self-Esteem: Being “Objectified”
The daughter finds her self-esteem in receiving attention from, and “being seen/viewed” by, her father (Freud saw this as an emerging capacity in the female psyche)

94 The Tickle: Jacques Lacan’s View of “Jouissance”
The daughter senses that: (1) as she is “objectified,” (2) her father wants more “connection” with her, and (3) wants to give her joy and – (4) as he gives her joy (the tickle), (5) he feels joy

95 The Resolution of the Electric Complex
The daughter is prepped for: (1) a healthy capacity for “jouissance” (she desires and enjoys pleasure, both her own and her being the source of mutual pleasure) along with …. (2) an identification with a maternal figure who has modeled an integration of, and ease of movement between, her “Madonna” and “Whore” qualities.

96 Pre-Adolescence and Adolescence: Objectification
The daughter is now able to be “objectified” by male peers and is able to tolerate/even enjoy the boy’s desire for her/pleasure in her.

97 Adolescence and Young Adulthood: Hierarchical Positioning
As the daughter continues to mature, she unconsciously senses that she is not only an object of desire but also a “subject.” She does not need to resort to co-dependence or pathological narcissism to be viewed, and seeks a suitor who will subjugate his needs for hers.

98 The Mutual Orgasm As objectification, subjugation, and the synthesis of Madonna/Whore components organize throughout adolescence and young adulthood, the transition to mature female psychic development for Freud occurs. Freud talked about the “mutual orgasm” as emblematic of the woman’s capacity to simultaneously please and be pleased – his symbolic criterion for readiness for motherhood (the apex of female development for Freud).

99 Jouissance States with Baby: Maternal Narcissism
With motherhood, the woman moves from jouissance states with her male partner to jouissance states with her baby.

100 Women Who Have Not Resolved the Electra Complex: High Unhinging Potential in Romantic Relationships (The Corollary of the Non-Phallic Man)

101 Issue #1: Conflict with Being “Objectified” (Viewed with Pleasure)

102 Issue #2: Being Objectified Does Not Stimulate Desire for More Connection in the Other

103 Issue #3: “Jouissance” States Could Not Be Achieved (with Father and/or Mother)
The narcissistic parent

104 Issue #4: Tendency to Shift from Erotic to Maternal Too Early or Too Rigidly (or Limited to an Erotic Role)

105 Issue #5: Does Not Socialize the Man to Subjugation and Ongoing Courtship

106 In Conclusion …

107 The Erotic Hinge: Only One Attempt at Revitalizing Classical Theory

108 THE END!